


I Am Not a Good Man.

by thecumberbinch



Series: I Let You Go [1]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Dark Doctor (Doctor Who), Doctor Whump, Episode: 2017 Xmas Twice Upon a Time, Episode: s10e12 The Doctor Falls, F/M, Pre-Regeneration, after the doctor falls, twissy angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-13
Updated: 2018-02-13
Packaged: 2019-03-17 14:56:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13661343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thecumberbinch/pseuds/thecumberbinch
Summary: He’s fire and ice and rage, bodies pile up as he burns:Burns his fury and sorrow into the lines in his face and into the empty spaces where great civilizations once stood.He is not a good man, and that’s why when the golden glow takes his hand, he reminds himself that’s why he’s still alive.





	I Am Not a Good Man.

**Author's Note:**

> companion to Tale As Old As Time, but from the Doctor's perspective instead.

Without hope, without witness, without reward.

 

That’s what he told her time and time again, trying desperately to get her to understand what being good was, from his perspective at least.

They say you have to practice what you preach, but he’s not a philosopher, and he certainly isn’t a man of moral prowess.

He’s angry and has every right to be. Doesn’t he? Of course, this has happened before, hundreds upon thousands of years before under different circumstances, but the words he yells are virtually the same; _it’s not fair. This is what I get? It’s not fair._ Eventually, his tirade around the Tardis stops; words won’t fix the damage that’s already been done.

 

A feeling swells and nestles itself into his chest; it burns.

            All he feels is the burning.

It’s like an itch he can’t scratch, but he’s desperate to get rid of it, this feeling of sorrow.

He decides that if he can’t get rid of the burning, the rest of the universe will have to suffer with him.

He starts with a planet he’s never seen before, and he forgets the name as soon as he leaves it covered in embers and ash.

 

He’s fire and ice and rage, bodies pile up as he burns:

Burns his fury and sorrow into the lines in his face and into the empty spaces where great civilizations once stood.

 

            He’d be angry with himself, but why should he waste the time when there’s nothing to lose? He tried, and it worked to an extent. But then again, why do evil people become evil?

            To survive. If you want to guarantee you’ll be the last one standing, why not kill all your competitors before the start?

            Survival ensures you’ll stay alive. That’s why they say only the good die young, and that’s why the old are always bitter and remorseful.

 

Despite what many may say the Doctor’s always known he’s not a good man. He’s never been a good man. If he was, he would have stayed on Gallifrey and burned with it. If he were a good man, he would have never left Missy on Skaro.

 

            Oh, how many lonely nights he’d stayed up wishing he were a good man. He tried to be selfless, but alas, here he is.

 

             _I am a good man._

_I am a good man._

_I am a good man._

He says it over and over in his head as if it will convince him it’s true.

If things had gone the way they should have, she would be standing next to him.

 

He is not a good man, and that’s why when the golden glow takes his hand, he reminds himself that’s why he’s still alive.

            He reminds himself that while he may not be a good man and will never be, he doesn’t have to be a bad man.

            He can be the madman in a box, passing through, helping out, and running away.

            He writes new rules in the Tardis walls and hopes that he’ll remember them, and hopes he follows them like he followed her.

After all, good men don’t need rules.

           His name, of course, is a different thing entirely. You can tell children; they won’t remember anyway, and they won’t know what it means.

            Only he knows the answer to the oldest question in the universe.

_Doctor who?_

_Theta; the symbol of death._

He keeps her face in his mind as he repeats his new rules one last time.

 

            _Laugh hard, run fast, be kind._

_Laugh hard, run fast, be kind._

_Laugh hard, run fast, be kind._

He sees her again in his head. He keeps the image there, a mirage reminding him to keep on going, even if she can’t be there to see it. He reminds himself that the Doctor that was is gone; change is long overdue.

 

            It is time for him to try.

           

            _“Doctor, I let you go.”_

 

           


End file.
